After a crappy day on Wednesday, me and the other nurses had a '5 minute meeting' that lasted 40 minutes in the hospital. I didn't want to necessarily, but I ended up bringing up how tired I was on Wednesday and after a distinct chorus of eye-rolling proceeded to stand on my 'You don't know what it's like!' box. Which made me realise.... they don't. I very rarely, if ever, talk about how tired I am at work. There's no point, I'm tired all the time! Plus... other people get tired too, I know. After a big night on the tiles, or intense study, or because they have a new baby, or they left work late and came in early the next day. It's just that that kind of tired for a normal person is different to my kind of tired, and I don't think my colleagues understand that. Right now I'm feeling an exhaustion I have not experienced before and I don't like it, but I don't like talking about it because it means explaining exactly how debilitating this exhaustion actually is, which really means I then have to explain how narcolepsy works in the first place and I just don't have that kind of time at work. I'm just hoping I'm not being perceived as 'lazy' at work because deadset I will punch someone if that is the case.
In the meantime.... after a lot of thought these last few days I have decided to talk to my practice manager about changing to part time work. I love working full time.... but my body is just not ready for it and isn't coping with it at all. I don't know if I will ever be able to cope with full time work, which makes me sad. I also don't know if my boss will comply with my request.... he is immensely difficult to deal with and I have a distinct feeling that this will ultimately be rejected, mainly because it will mean hiring someone else. So if that is the case then I will be left with the choice of stay or leave. I don't want to, but leaving it will most probably have to be. I can't keep existing on this amount of sleep. Everything else in my life is suffering. Uni particularly.... but the cleanliness of my home and my car is going downhill, I spend hardly any time with my birds, my social life is grinding to a halt and my exercise regime is non-existant. And that's just the stuff I need to get by.... I can't do anything else because I'm either at work, or I'm sleeping, or I'm using my day off to recover from working, which is what I'm doing today and tomorrow. I've spent almost all day sleeping and I'm still tired, but feeling clearer. Narcolepsy is running my life right now and that is not what I want.
So here goes nothing!!!