I think, overall, I'm doing a lot better these last few months, since I cut back my work. I haven't pulled over for a nap while driving for ages, not since my trip to Wagga. That's something I used to do heaps, particularly to and from rehearsals at night. I don't find myself all that exhausted all the time and I'm sleeping fairly well at night. My study is going all right, I'm almost all the way through the coursework and getting ready to revise before my final exam. And since I pulled work back I've been able to cope better mentally... I was losing it a bit in the end!! Cuckoo...
It's not all great. I still feel there are people around me, friends, work colleagues, who still don't really get that I have an actual real problem that is actually hard to deal with. I went out both Friday and Saturday night and both times I left 'early', and both times I had the 'Come on it's so early surely you can stay!' lecture. I hate leaving early, I always have hated it. Sometimes I leave because I am just that tired I cannot be bothered socialising and making an effort any more. I don't want to smile, I don't want to listen, I don't want to care, my body just wants to go to sleep. It was getting to that stage on Friday night. Other times, I leave because of a whole lot of other things I need to consider. Saturday night was like that. I was driving, so I had to make sure I'd be awake enough to drive all the way home, without having to pull over for a nap halfway there. I was working the next day, so I needed to make sure I'd get enough sleep during the night to make it through my shift. AND I was working with the boss, which calls for an extra level of concentration. I'd had a full day and an energetic evening out, so I knew that once I got in the car and settled down my body would come down from the high pretty quick.
I need to think about a lot of stuff if I want to be responsible about my health. I'm fine with that, I've been making concessions for my illness for years (for example, I get up at least an hour before I have to leave the house, so that I have enough time to properly wake up and take my time getting ready. It usually takes me about 20 minutes to be really awake and able to focus... sometimes I can't even walk properly because my brain is just not quite there yet). I guess other people don't really see all that and don't appreciate the effort that it takes to just be there, wherever I am. And when I try to explain how I'm tired, I get met with, "Well, I'm tired too." And it's just too hard to keep explaining from there.
So, I guess it's not all super awesome. But I'm definitely getting better in myself, and enjoying work and retaining more study material. And I can go out!!! Just not for the whole night....