I am really enjoying my new job, very much, but the drive is painful and borderline dangerous. I’m really hoping that will change once I’m settled in one place. I hate that I push myself to drive so dangerously... right now I am very heavily relying on my drugs to keep me safe on the road and that’s not very good at all. I am often very thankful that I have managed to survive as long as I have on the roads - the initial bump at the lights has thus far been the only sleepy driving incident I have had and I would really like to keep it that way. It’s why I’m hoping this crappy sleep cycle is only temporary, because if it isn’t, I don’t know how long I will be able to survive driving to this job.
It’s contemplations like this that frustrate me no end. Is this what it’s going to be like, for the rest of my life?? The only kind of work I will be able to get is part time, music/casual teaching, near my home?? If I have to leave this job, like I have for all the others in the past few years, is this going to reflect on me and my future prospects?? I mean... I feel like I’m starting to come across as someone unreliable, who can barely hold down employment. If it’s not the travel that hurts me, it’s the hours, or the labour. All the jobs I’ve had in the last 3 years have had some element to them that I’ve tried to overcome, but eventually had to accept that I was unable to cope with.
Sometimes I feel like... I’m a whirling dervish, desparate for fun and excitement and knowledge and experiences... but I’m trying to search for all these things through a perpetual fog, thick and heavy. Like a curious 5 year old trapped in a 98 year old’s body. My physicality defies my mentality.