I am in an absolute shitheap of a mood right now. It's like these last 8 months just all hit me at once at 3pm this afternoon and I am just out of my mind with anger and frustration and GAAAHAHLKGHRCASLUKHFYNSUKDA
This narcolepsy bullshit is just that... bullshit. What the hell have I done to myself in this last year in that right here, right now is how I am defined?? I made it through a degree, directed musicals, played and rehearsed and had a fucking life... and now... I'm a former musician, with a useless degree, no life path, hardly any friends that give a shit about me, a job where I am quite literally a shit kicker and I spend my days either working with some of the most negative and draining people I've ever met, or I'm at home sleeping and hating myself because I can't focus enough to retain information from the crap that I am studying.
I just so need a massive allmighty change, in attitude, in the way I manage this shit, in my career.... where the fuck am I going?? How can I get there without falling asleep and killing myself on the way?? Am I ever going to meet someone and get married, get a real job, maybe own a house and other important things that real adults have?? Am I perpetually going to be living with rotating housemates and a fucking cat that pisses everywhere??
My job is really hurting me the most at the moment. Even when I started working as a vet nurse, and studying at TAFE, I was thinking... man I am better than this. I am smart and capable of a higher level of thinking than 'What is the best way to clean a cage?". But I thought.... this is just the beginning. I can't start at the top. And now I've been at the bottom for 2 years and it's just really making me insane. It's hard work, for crappy pay. It's exhausting. It's physical (which is keeping me fit, at least). I'm constantly inhaling chemicals like bleach and friggen metho which is surely giving my respiratory system hell. And it's made SO much harder by the negative shit that comes from particular people I work with. One vet is just so hell bent on hating the place, it's like she's made it her personal mission to convince everyone else about how utterly crap and hideous everything is and turn every situation into a 'LOOK AT HOW SHIT OUR JOB IS' moment. All the time. One of the nurses has convinced herself that every other nurse that works there is significantly inferior to herself... but doesn't tell the nurses, she tells our practice manager about shit she's unhappy with, who then has to pass on the good news to the others. Like.... fuck you. Talk to me yourself if you have a problem, like an adult. Many apologies for not being superfuckingvetnursewoman.
Aaargghghghg. And after all that immensely frustrating crappiness there's the fact that if I decide to leave there, what the hell will I actually do?????????? I have a degree and a half of nothingness!!!!!!! I have a tendency to fall asleep in situations where normal people would find themselves distinctly uncomfortable, such as upside down in the back seat of a car, or front row at a big band concert, or at their significant other's grandma's funeral, or on a three legged stool. Who the hell wants someone like that working for them??? What the hell would I do anyway????
Oh I'm just so angry at life and the stupid dog that keeps whining.