So... I have accepted that I need to make some changes. It's been hard, because I made all these big changes 2 years ago and I feel like if I step away from what I've done since then I will have failed. That has caused me a lot of emotional and intellectual grief, but seeing my specialist yesterday helped to clarify my thought process and what kind of decisions I should be making.
Let me say first of all... I am a crap vet nurse. I mean... I guess I'm not totally useless, like I can do all the tasks required of the position and all the rest... but I really don't see myself going anywhere in the profession. I mean, I had that attitude from the beginning - vet nursing was going to be a starting point, and if I found myself still nursing five years on I would be fairly disappointed in myself. The fact is, I don't think I can actually physically as well as mentally handle it. Intellectually, it's dull. The current work environment I'm in is creatively stifling - independent thought is practically discouraged, and if you even dare suggest a different way of doing things you get hit with the 'The Is How We've Always Done It' hammer. It's absurd.... how can you be expected to grow and develop, in any profession and work environment, if experimentation and flexibility is frowned upon??? And this is not just the upper management... this is the mindset of fellow colleagues. It's boring and it's frustrating. So the menial work, coupled with the incredibly physical aspect alongside the long days just makes it too much. I'm getting tireder and tireder, and it's possible that by trying to deny the way I feel about it and trying desparately to make it work positively for me has made it all the harder.
My specialist didn't necessarily tell me to quit my job, but her ideas about how to cope better with the narcolepsy fitted in with what I was thinking. So I am now waiting for a good time to speak to my practice manager and let her know I will be looking elsewhere... and then figure out what the hell I'm going to do with myself. At this stage I think I will shift my broad focus to education... I hate classroom teaching, but I love educating people, showing them how amazing stuff is, encouraging people to learn. At this stage it will have to be part time because I'm unsure how I will go with full time work (I failed pretty hard at the beginning of the year, but that was possibly due to the job itself and my determination to study as well...). I'm also thinking about changing degrees, or just leaving uni study altogether for a while...
So that's where I'm at. This blog may be about narcolepsy... but such is the nature of the illness it means that this blog also becomes about life, work and whatever else comes along...
As a reward for making it through all this crap, here is a picture of a baby sleeping in a shoe. Good night.