I try as hard as I can to be responsible about my condition. Right now I'm even more vigilant because my job requires me to drive a lot, early in the morning. I get as much sleep as I can at night, take naps and make sure I take my drugs. I try as much as possible to plan my days, make sure I know what's happening when. So when things happen suddenly, or I get told about something coming up, the first thing that I think about is sleep, how much I will get, and how I can handle it safely.
My music class has an excursion coming up, that I found out about today. The class leave school at the end of the day, travel in to the Opera House to see a concert, and then travel back to Bowral. It's on a Wednesday, which for me starts with a 5am wake up in order to take a rehearsal at school at 7.30am. Estimated time of arrival back at school is 10pm. That is a ridiculous day for me, so of course the first thing I think about is how much sleep I'm going to get, what is the best course of action for me in terms of travel and staying awake. The thought of driving home from Bowral at 10pm after a day starting at 5am is just absurd.
So, I walked into the staffroom to talk about it. All the rest of the staff are in there. I started to kind of think aloud about it, saying, "Do you think it would be possible for me to catch the train from the Opera House back home rather than going all the way back here and then driving home?" Then I realised that wouldn't be possible because I'd have to be on the bus in order supervise the kids with the other teacher. My head teacher was talking with me about it a bit, thinking of the logistics of leaving my car here or there. The other teacher coming on the excursion with me says, "We'll be back by 10pm, it's not that late. You'll be fine to drive home." I start to try and justify myself and then realise that it will probably sound to her like I'm trying to cop out of my responsibilities or something, so I just leave.
I just... I hate that it sounds like I'm trying to shirk my responsibilties as a teacher. I'm not. It's a late night, after a long day. I didn't even want to think about whether I would be able to even stay awake on the bus. I'm guessing what I'll probably have to do is stay awake during the trip, sleep during the concert, stay awake on the way home and then... maybe find some accommodation again or sleep in my car. It's just the casual way she said it, like it's no big deal to have a 17 hour day. Maybe for her, but it's a massive big deal for me.
Before I left, my head teacher said she needed to talk to me about a few things and could we meet together in period 2 tomorrow?? That's the second time she's done that in front of other staff members and it makes me feel like I'm 5 years old. Honestly, if it wasn't for the students I wouldn't really have much motivation to work there. I've got a head teacher who sees me as a green, first year teacher who can't go on to a full time job next year, so it's like there's no point in me even being there. Because I'm part time I pretty much turn up, teach and go (and even then I'm there too much), so I don't bother to socialise. So I'm kind of an outcast. A 'tired' outcast, who maybe just needs to suck it up.