I've had a lot on my mind recently. January was really good.... like, really good. It was great to finally have a full time job and be earning money and not have to stress about that. I was just feeling really happy in general, too.... which is weird, for me. Not just happy, but positive. About making and acheiving goals and having direction and all that sort of thing.
I've kind of lost that now. Part of it has been the impending doom that is Valentine's Day. Yes, thank you so much to every media outlet in the world for reminding me how much of a single loser I am and that I don't have anyone to give me so much as a small chocolate heart on this wonderful, glorious day of love. That has then also given way to more thoughts on whether this is it.... this is me for the rest of my life, with no one to share it with. It's a terrifying idea but it's something I think I will have to accept. The only man who ever actually loved and cared about me is now long gone, and he is gone because I pushed him away and then erected a steel wall so he would never even consider wanting me again. I wish I hadn't done that. I have never regretted anything.... except that. It now hangs around me like a cloak of shadow and I am now oblivious to anyone and everyone.
Aside from that, I am so disappointed in myself that I can't just be happy for the friends of mine that DO have partners and that are really happy. I don't know why I can't just do that and I feel like to most awful person because of it. It's jealousy, and it's a disgusting feeling.
So that has been clouding my mind and slowly turning me blacker and blacker. And then there's these other thoughts of.... what am I doing with my life?? Where can I go?? What can I do?? My perpetual lack of answers is immensely frustrating, particularly because my OCD demands that I know everything all the time.
This all in turn manipulates me into a person that I don't like to be.... sad, lonely, directionless, tired. I dwell on my inadequacies in order to justify my retraction from a social life. And all the while there's the perky, smug voice that says, "You are what you think you are, so of course since all you think about it crap stuff, you've become a crap person!!! Change your thoughts and you change your life!!!"
Well, duh. But is there anything, anyone, worth me changing my thoughts for?? I don't know.