The musical, however, isn't the reason why I've started thinking a lot more about my near future and the role sleep has to play. My fabulous, amazing boyfriend proposed to me this week, and I said yes!! And cried. It was all very wonderful and new and exciting. But now that all the loved up and star shine part is starting to settle down, being engaged means talking about engagement parties, and weddings, and honeymoons, and houses, and children... and having the money to pay for all these things... which then means working, and uni, and.... sleep.
I think this year I've basically worked at what I would consider my minimum. Especially in comparison to last year... I would call 2011 the year of extreme - everything was a bit too far, too long hours, too much stress and commitment, not enough sleep. This year, particularly at the beginning of the year, I've worked far less. My sleep is a lot better, which means that emotionally and psychologically I've been coping with everything a lot better. Last year, a night with crappy sleep would have lead to at least a week of stress, fear of crashing my car, poor teaching etc. This year I've relaxed a lot more because I know I have time to make up for nights that don't go as planned. It means that, hopefully, I can take on more work next year, maybe private teaching, which will help a little more with saving for other big ticket stuff.
The thing that worries me the most, though, is children. There are so many things that will go into having a child that I haven't even attempted to consider them all, because it will take so much consultation and consideration. But basically... I can't be on modafinil when I'm pregnant, or breastfeeding. Without modafinil, I function at a very borderline level - definitely no driving at night, but who knows what I'd be like as a teacher... will that mean that when I'm pregnant, or even before I get pregnant, I'll have to quit work? Would there be a job willing to accomodate someone like me? And then when I have the child... how the hell am I going to cope with its sleeping patterns?? Will I be able to stay awake when I'm nursing? What if I'm left alone with the child, and I'm delerious from lack of sleep, will I go to sleep?? What if it takes a while to get pregnant?? Could be off modafinil for 2 years, or more???
It's a lot to think about. Maybe I'll just try staying in the happy engagement bubble for as long as possible....